


Heart On Loan

by Pinx_B (orphan_account)



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Future Fic, Unrequited Love, Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 19:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9510140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Pinx_B
Summary: Sometimes the only option is to severe the ties that bind you as difficult as it may be to do so..





	

 

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"Elichi, you look like you're contemplating the answers to the universe, what's going on?".

Eli gave a small smile and placed her cup down on the table, "Same thing I guess".

"Well you'll have to tell me what the question is in order for me to help you" Nozomi teased, "I'm good at reading minds but not that good, although I'm flattered you think so".

Eli looked at Nozomi for a little while, just taking her aura in and locking it in her mind. That is all she would ever get of her after all.

"The universe really does have quiet the sense of humour" she chuckled and shook her head.

"You're not making sense" came Nozomi's reply and she was genuinely confused by what Eli was implying.

Even when she stepped foot in her and Nico's home, the blonde looked pensive and seemed detached throughout their conversation. That in itself was worrying Nozomi because out of all, Eli knew she didn't need to have any guards up with her.

"I'm sorry, I guess I'm not. I was just wondering if there is a grand plan in the greater scheme of things and the journey we take to get there. More specifically the trials, do you think it is fair Nozomi?".

Nozomi pondered the question trying to work out what Eli was asking her between the lines. Even now the blonde was never straight forward when it came to asking things.

"I don't think our hardships are set in the stone if that's what you mean. Even so, they are placed there to be jumped over like hurdles, inconvenient I know but they make us who we are" Nozomi replied and smiled at Eli, reaching for her hands across the table, "You know, if there is something bothering you, you just have to say the word and we are there for you. If things are drastic however, I'll set Nicocchi on them".

An empty laugh escaped Eli's mouth as she squeezed Nozomi's hands and it was a sound that chilled Nozomi to the bone. Eli's eyes were shimmering for some reason but they seemed to have lost all light. She wondered had she noticed it before or was it because Eli was allowing her to see it.

 

Either way, Nozomi didn't like the shift in the atmosphere.

"Tell me, would you set her on me? Since it is a drastic measure after all".

"Elichi, what's going on? Nozomi asked with slight panic in her voice but kept the blonde's hands in hers.

Looking down at their joined hands, Eli admired the wedding ring on Nozomi's finger but it may as well have been looking into the sun, slowly blinding her.

"She really loves you huh".

It was said barely above a whisper but Nozomi heard it in the silence of the room.

"I love her too Elichi but what does she have to do with this?".

Eli looked up again and took in Nozomi's eyes that were laced with worry and confusion.

"You really can't see it can you?".

Nozomi sighed and gave Eli's hands a light squeeze again, "See what?".

Nozomi knew exactly what Eli was referring to.

A person who had lost all their senses could see it but it was easier to pretend that it didn't exist.

"That I'm in love with you".

It was much more easier to pretend that Eli didn't have those feelings whilst growing up.

"That I've always been in love with you".

It was easier to save their friendship if she ignored it.

"That not a day has gone by where I haven't fallen deeper in love with you".

It was easier to bury it all in the sand.

"But you've always know that haven't you Nozomi?".

"Look Elichi, I.." Nozomi started to say but was stopped when Eli put one of her hands up.

Despite what she had just said, Eli had a smile on her face albeit a heart breaking one that made Nozomi's own heart ache for her dear friend.

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I am happy for you Nozomi" Eli stated, "For both you and Nico so don't for a second believe that my happiness has been factious.

"You've always known that I knew how you felt?" Nozomi instead chose to ask the blonde who was visibly doing her best to keep it together.

Eli nodded, "I thought it'd be better if I said nothing. Watching you fall for Nico day in and out was more of a reason to stay quiet. I figured you remained quiet in order to avoid any confrontations, especially in school. I can't be angry at that, hurt but not angry".

"I'm so sorry" Nozomi whispered and scooted forward on her chair so that she could place a hand on Eli's now tear stained cheek.

"You've nothing to apologize for, we can't help who we fall for after all" Eli chuckled softly, "I'm sorry I couldn't be in Nico's place".

"Elichi".

"Nozomi, I-I can't be.."

"No, dont you dare finish that sentence!" Nozomi pleaded whilst her own tears escaped, "I know it is selfish of me to say this but I need you in my life".

"I'll be here if you need me but I can't be around much because it is killing me. As much as I am happy for you and Nico, I'm only human and knowing that I can't be the one to love you is draining me from the inside" Eli said and held the hand resting on her face.

"Please, I'm sure there is a way we can do this".

"Nozomi, I want to be the one kissing you".

Nozomi could feel Eli's touch fading with each word.

"I dream of being the one that comes home to you".

The sadness in the blonde's words stabbed at her heart.

"The thought of being able to be the one calling you to tell you I love you and how your day is going is my lifeline".

There was no coming back from this Nozomi realised but refused to accept.

"I want to be the one waking up next to you after and before making love. I want to be the only one touching you and I crave for a moment that it'll be your name that comes out of my mouth".

Nozomi was trembling now as Eli gripped her wrist gently and lowered her hand down onto the table.

"But that will never happen and there is nobody to blame for this. Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I could hate you and Nico".

"Is this what you want?" Nozomi questioned in a small voice.

"What I want is you technically" Eli managed to joke between her efforts of not crying even though her tears were streaming down her face now, "But I think it is for the best. I love you so much and it is tearing me apart not being able to be with you".

"I wish I could make this easier for you Elichi, I love you".

"Well falling out of love with Nico would be a great start" the blonde laughed and Nozomi could feel Eli's resolve breaking.

She stared into Nozomi's turquoise eyes and felt horrible for upsetting her like this even though she knew that she was the one suffering from this more.

She had suffered for so many years, fighting her feelings for Nozomi and watching her fall for Nico instead. There was a pain quiet unlike it & the worst of it was that it couldn't be helped nor could anyone be blamed.

"I'd better get going now" Eli said and let go of Nozomi's wrist, "I'll be around if you do need me though so please don't be upset".

"That isn't fair, you can't say that and leave!" Nozomi said in response and stood up when Eli did.

"Would you rather I keep suffering?" Eli asked point plank and watched the woman's reaction, "Because every day that I see you is a day where it feels like shards of glass are cutting me from everywhere only for me to be dumped into a sea of salt, acid and lemon. And even then, that pain wouldn't even touch upon the pain that I feel from not being able to be with you".

Flinching at the visual image of that, Nozomi stepped forward and looked up into Eli's reddened blue eyes, "No, I want you to be happy".

"The only way I can begin to do that is by forcing myself to stay away from you and believe me, it is going to be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do" Eli softly replied and wiped away another fresh tear drop from beneath Nozomi's eyes, "I may never stop loving you though, that's impossible".

"I'm sorry" Nozomi said again between trying to muffle her sobs as Eli made her way to the door only for it to open.

"Nico".

"Huh, Eli? What are you doing here? You should've told me you were dropping by, it is great-".

Nico's words stopped in her throat when she saw the faces of Eli and Nozomi, "What the hell is going on?" she asked whilst rushing to Nozomi and holding her face then looking back at Eli.

If Eli needed more of a push in trying to remove herself from Nozomi's life, that was it.

She smiled at them both, hoping that it was a real one because she really did want the best for them both, "Look after her" she then said to Nico and left their home as fast as her feet would take her; leaving a shattered Nozomi buried in the crook of Nico's neck as she comforted her.

Her legs felt heavy as she stumbled from the exit just in time for Umi and Maki to reach out and steady her.  
The duo had been waiting as Eli had vaguely indicated what she was going to do so both found cover for work and rushed to get to her.

As they held onto their friend whilst guiding her to Maki's car, they let her shed the tears for a lover that would never be hers and a friend she had more or less lost.

Both Maki & Umi had been in that very position years prior after all and Eli had been their shoulder to cry on & arms to sink into.

 

There was always a casualty in situations like this and in reality, nobody asks for these things to happen.

To have your heart ripped apart and put back together only for pieces to be missing that were given to her.

To watch her smile in a way that the sun would hide in shame because its shine would never shimmer the way her smile does but knowing that it was down to someone else.

To witness her in pure bliss in the arms of another woman when all you can do is feel the cold air in your arms.

To see the way her eyes stare lovingly at the face of the woman that gets to be on the receiving end of such a tender gaze and knowing it'll never be you.

To flinch at the way she's held in an embrace that taunts and sneers at you because it knows that it will never be you holding her like that.

To dream of moments of happiness with her only for that dream to be poured over by the thick sludge that is reality.

 

Nobody really asks to fall in love, it just happens and unlike fairy tales, you simply become the onlooker of a book that has already been closed.

Eli knew this long into her tangled emotions and realised that sometimes, it truly is less painful to walk away than to pretend to be okay & play the resilient individual that seems unfazed watching the woman she loves love someone else.

It is okay to feel distraught, it is okay to feel empty and it is okay to feel like you're grieving because that is what it feels like.

But to feel anger, resentment and betrayal for actions that someone else couldn't control isn't healthy.

After all, if it was as easy as all love being reciprocated, fate would get bored. 


End file.
